i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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