apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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