i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
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Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
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I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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