Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
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I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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