Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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