New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
this will be a night to untag.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize