so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
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He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
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I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize