while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
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I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
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Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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