had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
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You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
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I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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