I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
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I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
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I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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