My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I wish my penis had an off switch
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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