It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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