Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
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You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
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But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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