I met the friendliest cop last night
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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