Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
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Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
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took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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