i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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