ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
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Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
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I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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