You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
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Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
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I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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