Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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