I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
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can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
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You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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