I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
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We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
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Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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