I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
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He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
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Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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