Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
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Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
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I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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