No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
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my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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