Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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