Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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