we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
These tits shall not be calmed
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