Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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