That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize