I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
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If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
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Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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