In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
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im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
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You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You did what with his pubic hair?
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