When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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