My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
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I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
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He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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