i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize