It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
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Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
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listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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