My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
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My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
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We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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