I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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