lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
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We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
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Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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