OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
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You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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