Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
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So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
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Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize