she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
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Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
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I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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