so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
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Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
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My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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