Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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