Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
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I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
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Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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