I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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