i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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