I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
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you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
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I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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