dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
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He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
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I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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