i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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