i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
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High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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